I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
are you so shy because you have an std?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
