Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
