Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
