listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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