By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
