i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
