Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
