Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
