the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
