he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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