why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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