I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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