i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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