i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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