Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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