Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
