I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
