Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
