Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
