Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
