Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
