I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
