I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
