I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
only you would photoshop your dick
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
