Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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