i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
