Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
