She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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