If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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