The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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