I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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