i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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