i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
