Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
