Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
