my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
