Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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