I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
