I just saw a hot homeless man
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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