Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
