just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My cat gives me a boner
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
