i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Everyone says I win the strip club
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
