Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
