well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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