I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
