I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
