Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
