1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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