i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
time to smoke my breakfast
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
