i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
