alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
