I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Randomize
