my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
